How many times and chances do I need exactly? For me to get shit done and over with. For me to stick to my priorities. For me to realize that I have to get my shit together. I have a problem. I know what it is. What I don't know is how to address it. How to lessen it. How to fix it. Is it fixable? Can I solve it? Probably not. What do I have to do to be worthy of these chances? To be worthy of Your love? I know what to do. I just don't know where to start. How to start. It's happening again. De ja vu, baby. And this time, I don't think there's a cure. I don't think I can fix it anymore. It's bad. Really bad. I don't think there's anything I can do about it. But that doesn't mean I have to give up that easily. Is this Your way of teaching me my lesson? Is this the most appropriate and most effective way for me to learn? For me to be afraid? For me to realize that life won't always go my way? And that there are no such thing as unlimited chances? I guess so. Now what is there left to do? Please don't tell me nothing. Because that will break me. More than I already am. Please. I am not strong enough for this. I am not strong. Period. I just act tough but no. I am weak. So please tell me there is still hope. Tell me I can still do something to make this right. To make things less bad. Less fucked up. Life is good. *repeat until convinced that it's true*
I am genuinely scared of the coming (new) year. I don't know what to expect. I just know that I am already feeling the pressure. Mostly the pressure to graduate soon. I feel all the weight being put on me..by myself and by those around me. It would be accurate to say that I am not at all looking forward to 2014. (Well, maybe a tad bit.. AKA LaBoracay and my friends are coming to visit.) I must really brace myself. Come January, I will not have a social life anymore--that is if I want to excel in school (which btw I would love very much..not to sound GC (grade conscious) or anything). Priorities, Mikhaela!!! And self-control. For 2014, I need to finally be legitimately consistent. It's the only way I can turn my life around. I must be better. I must unleash the beast that I know is inside of me somewhere. I must be competent. Braver. Smarter. More responsible. Otherwise, all those that I have sacrificed would be for nothing. We're going to be back at square one. And nope, we definitely do not want that. I must work 100x harder. I have already done the first few steps (1. acknowledge that there is a problem 2. identify the problem 3.list possible solutions 4. leave comfort zone), I just need to follow through. Yupp, that's it. PLEASE HELP ME. I know I can do this but I can't do it alone. I need guidance, reminding, and acknowledgment. Thanks in advance! Incidentally, I am really enjoying my Christmas break. It's been great so far. Spending so much time with my family and friends (while I still can )': ). Although, I have yet to do academic-related shit real soon. But for now, Happy Holidays, everyone! Enjoy the happy vibes that the Christmas season brings. (:
I feel alone. I am alone. In this shit, anyway. Or any other shit, for that matter. Is this what they would call a panic attack? Because I sure am panicking. I am genuinely scared. I don't know what to do. Well, actually I do. But I don't know how to start. Where to start. I need someone. Something. A miracle, perhaps? Or simply motivation. Right now I have an inspiration but it's obviously not very effective. I'm so lost. I am about to burst into tears. Anytime now... Who am I kidding? That shit never happens to me. I contain these unwanted feelings inside. That's not good, right? Not healthy at all. One can only take so much. Well I guess this sort of helps. This is my escape. Got nowhere else to run, anyway. I guess in retrospect that was not too bad. It was merely stating a fact. Dragging me back to reality. That person did me a favour. But that does not change the fact that I am still afraid. I can barely sit properly. To say that I am feeling queasy is putting it mildly. But like they always say, "You gotta start somewhere." Anywhere? Okay. I guess it's time I face and conquer my fears because hey, what else can I do? It is the only way I can move on. The only way I can fulfill my dreams. The only way I can be free and live happily. So that is all for now. Wish me luck!
Dear Diary, Sobrang saya ko today. I don't really know why. It could be happy hormones (if you know what I mean (; HAHAHA okay TMI sorry). Or it could be because I got to talk to a lot of people today. Like legit talk. The LIFE101 kind. Yung hindi lang puro catch up at kababawan. Yung may depth. Sobrang tumatanda na talaga tayo, Diary. May fear of aging ako pero nakakatuwa rin maggrow. Alam mo diary, sa lahat ng nakausap ko today (at lately), sobrang mas na-appreciate ko ang pagiging single ko. Wow, sobrang changed woman na ako. A few months ago pag usapang single sobrang mabbitter ako. Pero now, I've accepted it. Yun naman isang key sa lahat eh--ACCEPTANCE. Na-accept ko na na single ako at baka matagal pa bago ako maging taken ulit. Oo, inaamin ko pag nakakakita ako ng cute couples naiinggit pa rin ako minsan, pero sobrang hindi na ako kasing bitter ng dati (about being single). Pero side kwento, I think forever akong mabbitter every time babanggitin 'ex' ko. Super sensitive topic eh. In this case, avoidance is the key. But anyway, that's not what this entry is about. Itong entry na 'to about sa happiness ko today. Sobrang wild. Nag-ipon-ipon lahat ng masasayang bagay na nangyayari sakin lately. THANK YOU PO, GOD. DA BEST KA TALAGA! ♥ Sobrang saya maging masaya, okay? (": Pero alam mo, Diary, natatakot ako. Kasi lagi namang dapat may balance. At dahil dyan, usually kapag masaya ako isang araw, sobrang shitty ng day ko kinabukasan. Well, lahat naman tayo ganun eh. Pero ayun nga, feeling ko sobrang shitty ng araw ko bukas. Ayoko sana maging negative kaya i-eenjoy ko na lang ang happiness ko while it still lasts. Ganun naman dapat sa lahat ng bagay diba? YOLO nga, ika nila. You know what pa, Diary? I've never been the best confidante/advice giver. Kaya sobrang natutuwa rin ako na people still come to me for advice. Siguro dahil din I'm a super good listener. And that I don't judge. Natatawa nga ako sa sarili ko kasi sobrang nagiging Dr. Love ako lately. Akala mo kung sinong expert sa love eh noh. Sobrang hindi ko nga forte yun eh. Pero since ayun nga, marami na rin akong na-encounter na maraming experience (may it good or bad) sa love, kaya siguro marami akong alam. Pero pag hindi ko talaga alam sasabihin sa tao, ang go to words of wisdom ko ay "If it's meant to be, it will be." Dahil kahit saang bagay applicable yan. Hindi nga lang specific. And it requires a lot of tiwala. Minsan hindi sya okay lalo na para sa mga control freaks. Tulad kanina may naencounter ako na control freak, sinabi ko yan, tapos hindi sya contented. So sabi ko na lang sa kanya bigyan nya ng benefit of the doubt. Anyway, ayoko na maging specific. Baka bored ka na, Diary, eh. Pero basta, Diary, I feel so free. Ang saya talaga ng feeling na sarili mo lang iniisip mo. Na wala kang ibang feelings na dapat i-consider kundi yung sayo lang. Na walang ibang masasaktan kapag may mali/hindi maganda kang nagawa. Masaya rin pala ako kasi parang lately, kahit sobrang unlucky ko, or sobrang hirap ng mga bagay, nassurvive ko sila. Kaya in a way, lucky na rin ako. And other people have it worse. Basta right now/lately, I feel invincible. I've never felt like this before. Siguro kasi dami ko pang insecurities noon. Ngayon, I feel more confident. And lagi ko na lang iniisip na hindi ako bibigyan ni God ng ganitong klaseng challenge kung hindi ko kayang lampasan. (: Marami pa akong gusto sabihin, Diary. Pero next time na lang. Gusto ko lang talaga i-share 'tong happiness ko now kasi natatakot ako na baka makalimutan kong kaya ko palang maging ganito kasaya. Para balang araw din, may balikan akong memory na nakasulat somewhere na mag-GV ako pagnabasa ko. Sana marami pa akong mga araw na ganito, Diary. Sana lahat ng tao may mga araw din na ganito at ma-realize nila na LIFE IS GOOD. :) Mula sa isang taong kasalukuyang overflowing sa GV, Muhkayluh. ♥
So I was going through my files earlier looking for something from long ago only to find this...
That night, I fell asleep while waiting for you to come back. You left this message and it was the very first thing I saw that morning. It made my day week.
[3:00:59 AM] you:
oh right my internet connection sucks sorry beautiful!!
[3:01:05 AM] you:
i wish i was there with you:(
[3:01:17 AM]
me: me too ):
[3:28:59 AM] you:
u still on?(worry)
[3:29:39 AM] ***
Missed call from you. ***
[3:29:49 AM] you:
aww my poor babys asleep!:)
[3:30:34 AM] you:
well sleep well you are one in 6 billion!! and did i mention your incredibly
beautiful!:)
[3:31:10 AM] you:
always seem to make me smile and cant believe how much you do for me
[3:32:25 AM] you:
I dont care how long i have to wait to meet you because i know out of everyone
in the world you mikhaela are worth it!!!gorgeous eyes, gorgeous face body...
EVERYTHING!!! and one day you will be all mine:)
[3:33:14 AM] you:
so if you are ever cranky, feeling down etc i will try my best and tell you
every chance i get just how beautiful and special you are to me!!!:)
[3:33:38 AM] you:
because you do a great job in making me feel special:) sleep well gorgeous!!
[3:33:52 AM] you:
I will be thinking of you constantly. (heart)
Oh wow, I've read this a million times but I still melt (and cry) every time. You were so sweet. Too sweet. You're one of a kind. I remember we would snack together and halfway through our chips, we would randomly stop and just impulsively stare at each other.
(Uhm yea. Excuse my shitty face.)
I remember you would patiently talk to my annoying cousins during the times I was still preoccupied with something else. I remember how you used to message me every chance you get, whatever the situation. Your eyes, they're so beautiful. I melt each time I stare at them, and they at mine. What ever happened to us?
(Hi, yea. Excuse my ugly face.)
You made me feel special. You made me the happiest girl in the world. Now, I have you deleted off everything. I miss you, though. All the time. But it's too late now. Is it?
It's kind of weird to say that. 'Friend'. I'd like to believe we're more than that. At least we used to be. But then life happened. We parted ways, took different paths. You have a new group of friends, and I, well, I couldn't move on from my/our old one. I guess no one is to blame. Although I feel a little bit guilty for not reaching out. For not constantly trying to contact and get in touch and catch up with you. I guess I thought you were busy. Or just weren't interested anymore. And I'm sorry for thinking that. I know you're not that kind of person. In reality, you're the kind who would leave whatever you're doing at that moment if someone you care about is in need. You also wouldn't leave anyone behind. You're selfless. I've always liked that about you. You're quite an inspiration. I'm writing this because I feel like I need to fix things with you. And I'd like to do it before things get uglier. Before they get worse. I'm not happy about our situation right now. I don't know what it is but I don't want this kind of relationship with you anymore. I miss how we used to be. The old us. I don't want to sound whiny or annoying or like I'm blaming something/someone else for what has happened to the two of us. This is me writing an apology. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't think. I'm sorry I was so insensitive (and to think this is something I really hate about people). I'm sorry I was so dumb. I'm sorry I was such a jerk. I'm sorry for everything. If I had learned one thing about fixing things with someone, it's that you shouldn't make excuses or explain your side or try to defend yourself anymore. It's better to just admit that you made a mistake--may it be big or small; and that if you think you're innocent, well, accept the fact that you were (also) at fault at some point. I want you back in my life. I don't know if we're ever going to be okay again. Or if we'd ever be the same. You probably wouldn't tell me anything big (or small) about you anymore. I guess if that were the case, I brought this upon myself? But have you completely turned your back on me? Do I deserve a second chance? Forgive me, please? That's all I ask of you. And I really am hoping that I deserve it. This would probably be the only New Years Resolution I will have for 2013 (well this and to lose weight). That's how important you are to me. Please understand. Please find it in your kind heart to forgive me. Going back to the title of this post, I'd like you to know that you're not just a friend to me. You're definitely the sister I never had. I miss you and I love you. Please know this.
I sure hope so.....
With lots of love and sincerity, Your sister from another mother.friend. ___________.
Patience has never been one of my virtues. I'm a very impatient person. I hate waiting..for ANYTHING. I guess I got it from my father. But this post isn't all about patience. It's about something more. Something deeper.
This post is mainly about someone. You see, I don't know who he (or she) is yet, that part's still a mystery. Or as I'd like to believe, that part of my life is still being written. People always say "It comes when you least expect it to." Or like "Things worth having are worth waiting for." There's also the "It's all about timing." And don't forget the "Good things come to those who wait." But sometimes I can't help but want and miss the feeling of having someone in my life. If I'm being totally honest, I miss all the mushy shit. I know all I can really do right now is wait. But that's the thing--I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE WAITING. So that leaves me with Plan B--believe. Believe that something grand is bound to happen. That someone awesome is about to come. Oh well.
Don't get me wrong, though. I am happy with how things are going in my life right now. I have really great people around me. I'm not alone, yes, but sometimes, I still feel lonely. I still long for that feeling that at least once in a while, someone is thinking of me.
I guess it's also fitting that I talk about being the one who loves more. I have always been that person. In every relationship that I have, this is always the case. It's quite sad, actually. But it's more tiring than sad. But maybe I do love less sometimes. I just don't realize it.
