For the millionth time.

How many times and chances do I need exactly? For me to get shit done and over with. For me to stick to my priorities. For me to realize that I have to get my shit together.

I have a problem. I know what it is. What I don't know is how to address it. How to lessen it. How to fix it. Is it fixable? Can I solve it? Probably not.

What do I have to do to be worthy of these chances? To be worthy of Your love? I know what to do. I just don't know where to start. How to start.

It's happening again. De ja vu, baby. And this time, I don't think there's a cure. I don't think I can fix it anymore. It's bad. Really bad. I don't think there's anything I can do about it. But that doesn't mean I have to give up that easily.

Is this Your way of teaching me my lesson? Is this the most appropriate and most effective way for me to learn? For me to be afraid? For me to realize that life won't always go my way? And that there are no such thing as unlimited chances? I guess so.

Now what is there left to do? Please don't tell me nothing. Because that will break me. More than I already am. Please. I am not strong enough for this. I am not strong. Period. I just act tough but no. I am weak. So please tell me there is still hope. Tell me I can still do something to make this right. To make things less bad. Less fucked up.

Life is good. *repeat until convinced that it's true*